Twenty-one

Yesterday I turned 21.
Every year I find myself in the most rediculous mood around my birthday.
My 18th birthday was a cold and rainy day in Cairo - it was the first time I drove to university in my new car, as the streets were flooded and most cabs back then didnt have any heating. I had picked up Ahmad Al Taher and we listened to slow cafe del mar music as the we edged through the dense traffic. The unusual weather was sort of an ominous foreshadowing I had thought back then. The rain spoiled my evening plans to go to High Heels (open air bar), so once home i threw aside my trench choat that I wore in cairo about once or twice a year and tried to fall asleep at 6pm.

My 19th birthday was equally unceremonial - i had just moved to england and aside from the few phonecalls i got i decided to keep it quiet amongst the people i knew in sunderland - which could have been 3 or 4 persons. Keyth, who I was seeing at the time, only found out when i got a call that woke us up on that midnight and he was amazed at how quiet i had been.

My 20th birthday was more of an enjoying evening. I had been dating Jim for about 4 months and we decided to meet with a dozen people at the Brasserie in South Kensington. I was pleased to see a lot of faces there and the evening was mellow but fun.

Yesterday I recall with much more clarity. In terms of events, I decided for my 21st I only wanted to be with Jim so again I told noone. We were out at Starbucks near Victoria by 8am. I had a cappucino and then decided to run through hyde park while Jim was at the gym. At by 10.30 we were back home, where he surprised me with a carrot cake (YUM!!) and presents. That was really sweet. We went to a great lunch in the Knightsbridge Capital then had drinks at the Savoy before we went to see Porgy & Bess (which i used to perform with my Jazz band back in AIS!). So all in all it was a great day.

On a mental level, as I tend to do with every birthday, I started to think - what have I accomplished in the past year? Was my 21st year of living a successful one on any or all levels?? I ask myself these questions every year to keep myself in check so that one day, when I'm grey and old, I can proudly say I lived life to the fullest, and enjoyed my youth more than most would expect.

To answer these questions I thought - I've done so much, been to so many places, performed good at school, got myself a good job lined up for when i graduate, maintained a relatively healthy relationship with my family, my partner, and with my friends.

Perfection, however, is a notion for the naive.

Where did I falter?

Then it started coming back to me. My moments of infidelity. My spiritual randomness and lack of commitment. My growing resentment towards my sister. My fear and concern for my younger brother. And even my lack of assertiveness where I should be firm and unequivocal.

What I realized was that I could trace all my faults to one major weakness - My tendency to put myself in everybody else's shoes but my own. Why is it so easy for me to feel other people concerns and joys, but so very hard for me to live inside my own person? The result of this trait is that I almost always prioritize other people's needs over mine, partly because I feel like my needs are not entirely relevant, and even more so because I am able to adapt to other people's personalities and avoid hassle and conflict. Therefore when I sat there that day in September and told my sister that I was gay and I wouldn't want it any other way, I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Not because i'm ashamed of being a homosexual, but because i let down someone even though i thought I couldn't care less.

I used to think this wasn't a down-side at all. I considered myself blessed in being so sensitive to those around me and unfocused on my own assertiveness. I guess it became clear how dangerous this was when I found myself in a relationship and had to start saying "NO" to people that I truly liked when it came to sex, drugs, etc.

In any case. I still see this as the most important area of improvement.
I am not sure how to exercise it though.