Thursday 30 August 2007
Wednesday 29 August 2007
(the comeback post)
...at the dinner table...
JS: They were not concentration camps. Jeez, you're making us sound like Nazis...
RM: They most certainly were. Every Japanese American was interned during that period. It's not far fetched to say that Hitler was inspired by the US government.
JS: That's ridiculous, there was no torture...
Me: Not on the Nazi scale obviously but it was undoubtedly a crime against humanity...
RM: I wrote my dissertation on it. Did you know that non-US citizens are not protected under the US constitution? So (unlike, for example, Britain) there is no universal human rights code being followed and for the sake of national security the government is able to do a lot more than it should.
JS: As they should be able to.
Me: JS, don't forget that your family were Italian farmers who emigrated to American not too long ago. Do you think you would be happy if your race was suddenly suspect because of a few idiots? Just as the Arabs now are because of those 9/11 morons? I mean come on...
JS: You be quiet after 9/11 I wanted to pick up a gun and SHOOT EVERY FUCKING ARAB IN SIGHT.
Me: And this is where I excuse myself from the table
JS: And you should...
Me: The racism ingrained in you is disgusting and I'm frankly sick of it. To belittle the suffering of the Japanese Americans then to insult my own heritage - you have some nerve...
-----2 hours later------
SI, AT, TT and I arrive at DTPM. I'm still angry but in my party mood I feel defiant. The four of us had already consumed a significant amount of alcohol and it was now only 12.30 am. The vodka started flowing, the music getting harder and the crowd getting more and more merry. Six hours later I finally decided to get into the cab and go home.
I knew I was supposed to go to JS's place and spend the night (or the morning rather) with him. Since we both lived on the Chelsea Embankment I had time to make up my mind. As the cab wizzed through the quiet streets of London on an August bank holiday, I did not feel the usual yearning I had after nights like this to be next to him. I felt more independant.
"Which part of Chelsea Embankment sir?"
I looked out the window. To the distance I could see Jim's building sitting beautifuly on the river by the Chelsea Bridge. At this time of day and in my state of being it looked immaculate, flawless. It was very much like the way he imagined and pressured our relationship to be. Clean, lofty, right. My mind whirled back to the events of the evening. The inebriation, the random horniness, both fun and excessive.
"We'll just continue to Edith Grove please, past the Battersea Bridge." JS imagined us one way, but the truth was altogether different. Snapping out of this relationship is hard and over time I've lost a bit of self-respect for myself in my inability to take assertive action. I realized though that in a way, by distancing myself from him, I was doing what other people wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do. Surely a part of me sees this relationship as wrong - but not enough of me. And until I am entirely convinced on an emotional level that this is wrong, very little is likely to take place.
I got home and rolled into bed after a quick shower. I lay there for a moment trying to think. There is no reason why I shouldn't be selfish. I want JS in my life, though he can be a rude, asexual bigot. I also want to live my youth, experience what I want to experience and meet who I want to meet. In the past guilt held me back more than anything but now I'm seeing this as a ridiculous excuse. JS started dating me when I was 19 an he should expect the commitment of a teenager not of a 46 year old.
I rolled over and turned off my cell phone.
JS: They were not concentration camps. Jeez, you're making us sound like Nazis...
RM: They most certainly were. Every Japanese American was interned during that period. It's not far fetched to say that Hitler was inspired by the US government.
JS: That's ridiculous, there was no torture...
Me: Not on the Nazi scale obviously but it was undoubtedly a crime against humanity...
RM: I wrote my dissertation on it. Did you know that non-US citizens are not protected under the US constitution? So (unlike, for example, Britain) there is no universal human rights code being followed and for the sake of national security the government is able to do a lot more than it should.
JS: As they should be able to.
Me: JS, don't forget that your family were Italian farmers who emigrated to American not too long ago. Do you think you would be happy if your race was suddenly suspect because of a few idiots? Just as the Arabs now are because of those 9/11 morons? I mean come on...
JS: You be quiet after 9/11 I wanted to pick up a gun and SHOOT EVERY FUCKING ARAB IN SIGHT.
Me: And this is where I excuse myself from the table
JS: And you should...
Me: The racism ingrained in you is disgusting and I'm frankly sick of it. To belittle the suffering of the Japanese Americans then to insult my own heritage - you have some nerve...
-----2 hours later------
SI, AT, TT and I arrive at DTPM. I'm still angry but in my party mood I feel defiant. The four of us had already consumed a significant amount of alcohol and it was now only 12.30 am. The vodka started flowing, the music getting harder and the crowd getting more and more merry. Six hours later I finally decided to get into the cab and go home.
I knew I was supposed to go to JS's place and spend the night (or the morning rather) with him. Since we both lived on the Chelsea Embankment I had time to make up my mind. As the cab wizzed through the quiet streets of London on an August bank holiday, I did not feel the usual yearning I had after nights like this to be next to him. I felt more independant.
"Which part of Chelsea Embankment sir?"
I looked out the window. To the distance I could see Jim's building sitting beautifuly on the river by the Chelsea Bridge. At this time of day and in my state of being it looked immaculate, flawless. It was very much like the way he imagined and pressured our relationship to be. Clean, lofty, right. My mind whirled back to the events of the evening. The inebriation, the random horniness, both fun and excessive.
"We'll just continue to Edith Grove please, past the Battersea Bridge." JS imagined us one way, but the truth was altogether different. Snapping out of this relationship is hard and over time I've lost a bit of self-respect for myself in my inability to take assertive action. I realized though that in a way, by distancing myself from him, I was doing what other people wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do. Surely a part of me sees this relationship as wrong - but not enough of me. And until I am entirely convinced on an emotional level that this is wrong, very little is likely to take place.
I got home and rolled into bed after a quick shower. I lay there for a moment trying to think. There is no reason why I shouldn't be selfish. I want JS in my life, though he can be a rude, asexual bigot. I also want to live my youth, experience what I want to experience and meet who I want to meet. In the past guilt held me back more than anything but now I'm seeing this as a ridiculous excuse. JS started dating me when I was 19 an he should expect the commitment of a teenager not of a 46 year old.
I rolled over and turned off my cell phone.
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