Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht,
Alles schläft; einsam wacht
Nur das traute hochheilige Paar.
Holder Knabe im lockigen Haar,
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh!
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh!
Monday 25 December 2006
Saturday 16 December 2006
Les Feuilles Mortes
The train pulled out of Edinburgh Station.
The sun was now making its way towards the western horizon. As I sat squinting a familiar stretch of land caught my eye. A green cliff rose from the ground and towered above the city. Tiny speckles moved around- people. My eyes consulted my memory and I traced the contours fo the cliff and landed on a distinct point, at the edge of the cliff. Two speckles stood there, staring down at the city.
The wind had blown its autumn scent at us. As we glanced over the skyline we noticed the castle where we had just walked not much earlier. He put his arm around my shoulder. We talked. I listened to him talk. My heart did not feel the same way it did that warm night in August when I got on the plane for London. Too much time had passed, and I had worked very hard on separating myself from him emotionally. For that, there were lovers, and friends, and a wholly different environment. Cliche: I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. Not anymore. Though I could have sworn to you in August he would never leave my heart - and maybe he never did. On that cliff, as I listened I thought: I didn't want to hurt him, but now I know that was the only way.
The sun kissed our faces, still tanned from a summer of lust and adventure. As we made our way back into the City the clouds blew in and it started to rain. The sky turned red. He looked at me from under his rain cap. As I had none my face was drenched, and I couldn't look back. I think it was then, though his mind probably denied it, that he saw right through me.
The train sped past the vast green.
The sun was now making its way towards the western horizon. As I sat squinting a familiar stretch of land caught my eye. A green cliff rose from the ground and towered above the city. Tiny speckles moved around- people. My eyes consulted my memory and I traced the contours fo the cliff and landed on a distinct point, at the edge of the cliff. Two speckles stood there, staring down at the city.
The wind had blown its autumn scent at us. As we glanced over the skyline we noticed the castle where we had just walked not much earlier. He put his arm around my shoulder. We talked. I listened to him talk. My heart did not feel the same way it did that warm night in August when I got on the plane for London. Too much time had passed, and I had worked very hard on separating myself from him emotionally. For that, there were lovers, and friends, and a wholly different environment. Cliche: I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. Not anymore. Though I could have sworn to you in August he would never leave my heart - and maybe he never did. On that cliff, as I listened I thought: I didn't want to hurt him, but now I know that was the only way.
The sun kissed our faces, still tanned from a summer of lust and adventure. As we made our way back into the City the clouds blew in and it started to rain. The sky turned red. He looked at me from under his rain cap. As I had none my face was drenched, and I couldn't look back. I think it was then, though his mind probably denied it, that he saw right through me.
The train sped past the vast green.
The Pint Test
The piercing frigid wind darted through the streets of Glasgow taking pieces of debris and the sounds of George square with it. It was after midnight, and I walked briskly in the dim streetlights trying to retrace my steps to the hotel.
***
Dinner had begun only two hours prior. We sat around candles in a pseudo-french restaurant. A judge, a solicitor, an international lawyer, and two academics. Needless to say wine was the first thing I ordered- my brain needed clarity to sync up with their frequency.
The judge, a surprisingly young and distinct looking woman with an uber masculine jawline laughed quietly as elements of Roman and Common Law were thrown in juxtaposition by her fellow int'l lawyer. The solicitor began one his seemingly endless rants on personal conduct in a mock courtroom. Next to me an academic kept nudging me as he pointed out the areas of Scottish devolution and then trailing off into the abyss that is third party rights under contracts.
A fierce supporter of the Conservative party, he went on describing the failures of Labour in the past years and how differen things would have been. About 5 minutes into this he looks at me and says:
"But Cameron (Conservative leader) doesn't pass the pint test."
I looked at him with amusement. Is this another cultural euphamism I've failed to pick up?
"You see, Mark and I went to see Blair give a talk only a few weeks ago. The man is full of rubbish when it comes to social welfare, but he passed the pint test. Cameron didn't."
I was interested. What was this pint test that had him go against his own political orientation. It must be a very important one - for a legal academic to switch sides even if for a second at the hand of some examination surely the test must be rigorous. Yet, the 'pint test'? It sounds whimsical.
Upon my inquiry:
"The pint test is just that. You sit in front of someone and you ask yourself - would you go out and have a pint with this person? Is this a person you could find interest relating to, regardless of how different your intimations or your orientations may be? See blair passed the pint test, he's got some twisted thoughts but he's a decent bloke."
A passage I had read in a book once, perhaps Foucault's Pendulum, jumped out of his words. In it, two Italian soldiers from warring factions met each other at arms. In the heat of the awkward and hostile situation one inquires of the other's name. Recognizing the last name the soldier puts down his weapon and salutes the other soldier. Baffled, the other soldier asks "What would make you do such a thing? We are at war!" The soldier refuses and states that, for some reason or another, that family name was respected for the valiant and generous people who carried it, and that he himself had personally been a grateful recepient of such generosity one day. Some bonds were beyond worldly differences.
***
Almost at the hotel, the utter simplicity of the pint test and its profoundness made me shiver. Humans always find a way to humanity. I suppose the pint test is what pantheists preach - indeed umberto's work was a shrine to syncretism. Why is it so easy for some to see and so hard for others? Is syncretism only for the uber educated of philosophers, thinkers, and mystics?
Thats what makes this 'pint test' so utterly magnificent. It has put half the content of Foucault's Pendulum into a down-to-earth, user-friendly, layman methodology. Brilliant.
Now in the hotel room, I threw aside my coat in haste and put on something to match the evening. A thought occurred to me - who would then theoretically fail the 'pint test'? Wasn't it supposed to identify human bonds beyond differences? Does that make Cameron, a flunk, un-human?
I guess not. I suppose its a balancing act - you pass the pint test if you exhibit more human qualities than facade. You pass the pint test by showing vulnerability. You do this by exposing your logic, by rational thinking, through altruism. I should imagine Cameron flunked because he comes across as an artifical figure. Only says so much, in a certain way. Inhibited. Lack of inhibition = human. Inhibition = facade.
My soles hit the plush carpet at the Polo Lounge with confidence. The place was charming mix of antique furniture and modern decadent vibes. I sipped a mohito and realized, despite how brilliant the place was (and how brilliant I looked) I was tired and needed some sleep. I watched as people walked back and forth, trying my best not to make eye contact with the watchful few braced for pouncing.
Thursday 7 December 2006
Snapshots
The Pain of Ecstacy? Or the Ecstacy of Pain?
Death and Decay in a relationship? Or a relationship that withstood death and decay?
She's turned her head away from the light - the modesty of a victorian woman, or the cruelty of a mistress forced into the background?
Tuesday 5 December 2006
Twenty-one
Yesterday I turned 21.
Every year I find myself in the most rediculous mood around my birthday.
My 18th birthday was a cold and rainy day in Cairo - it was the first time I drove to university in my new car, as the streets were flooded and most cabs back then didnt have any heating. I had picked up Ahmad Al Taher and we listened to slow cafe del mar music as the we edged through the dense traffic. The unusual weather was sort of an ominous foreshadowing I had thought back then. The rain spoiled my evening plans to go to High Heels (open air bar), so once home i threw aside my trench choat that I wore in cairo about once or twice a year and tried to fall asleep at 6pm.
My 19th birthday was equally unceremonial - i had just moved to england and aside from the few phonecalls i got i decided to keep it quiet amongst the people i knew in sunderland - which could have been 3 or 4 persons. Keyth, who I was seeing at the time, only found out when i got a call that woke us up on that midnight and he was amazed at how quiet i had been.
My 20th birthday was more of an enjoying evening. I had been dating Jim for about 4 months and we decided to meet with a dozen people at the Brasserie in South Kensington. I was pleased to see a lot of faces there and the evening was mellow but fun.
Yesterday I recall with much more clarity. In terms of events, I decided for my 21st I only wanted to be with Jim so again I told noone. We were out at Starbucks near Victoria by 8am. I had a cappucino and then decided to run through hyde park while Jim was at the gym. At by 10.30 we were back home, where he surprised me with a carrot cake (YUM!!) and presents. That was really sweet. We went to a great lunch in the Knightsbridge Capital then had drinks at the Savoy before we went to see Porgy & Bess (which i used to perform with my Jazz band back in AIS!). So all in all it was a great day.
On a mental level, as I tend to do with every birthday, I started to think - what have I accomplished in the past year? Was my 21st year of living a successful one on any or all levels?? I ask myself these questions every year to keep myself in check so that one day, when I'm grey and old, I can proudly say I lived life to the fullest, and enjoyed my youth more than most would expect.
To answer these questions I thought - I've done so much, been to so many places, performed good at school, got myself a good job lined up for when i graduate, maintained a relatively healthy relationship with my family, my partner, and with my friends.
Perfection, however, is a notion for the naive.
Where did I falter?
Then it started coming back to me. My moments of infidelity. My spiritual randomness and lack of commitment. My growing resentment towards my sister. My fear and concern for my younger brother. And even my lack of assertiveness where I should be firm and unequivocal.
What I realized was that I could trace all my faults to one major weakness - My tendency to put myself in everybody else's shoes but my own. Why is it so easy for me to feel other people concerns and joys, but so very hard for me to live inside my own person? The result of this trait is that I almost always prioritize other people's needs over mine, partly because I feel like my needs are not entirely relevant, and even more so because I am able to adapt to other people's personalities and avoid hassle and conflict. Therefore when I sat there that day in September and told my sister that I was gay and I wouldn't want it any other way, I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Not because i'm ashamed of being a homosexual, but because i let down someone even though i thought I couldn't care less.
I used to think this wasn't a down-side at all. I considered myself blessed in being so sensitive to those around me and unfocused on my own assertiveness. I guess it became clear how dangerous this was when I found myself in a relationship and had to start saying "NO" to people that I truly liked when it came to sex, drugs, etc.
In any case. I still see this as the most important area of improvement.
I am not sure how to exercise it though.
Every year I find myself in the most rediculous mood around my birthday.
My 18th birthday was a cold and rainy day in Cairo - it was the first time I drove to university in my new car, as the streets were flooded and most cabs back then didnt have any heating. I had picked up Ahmad Al Taher and we listened to slow cafe del mar music as the we edged through the dense traffic. The unusual weather was sort of an ominous foreshadowing I had thought back then. The rain spoiled my evening plans to go to High Heels (open air bar), so once home i threw aside my trench choat that I wore in cairo about once or twice a year and tried to fall asleep at 6pm.
My 19th birthday was equally unceremonial - i had just moved to england and aside from the few phonecalls i got i decided to keep it quiet amongst the people i knew in sunderland - which could have been 3 or 4 persons. Keyth, who I was seeing at the time, only found out when i got a call that woke us up on that midnight and he was amazed at how quiet i had been.
My 20th birthday was more of an enjoying evening. I had been dating Jim for about 4 months and we decided to meet with a dozen people at the Brasserie in South Kensington. I was pleased to see a lot of faces there and the evening was mellow but fun.
Yesterday I recall with much more clarity. In terms of events, I decided for my 21st I only wanted to be with Jim so again I told noone. We were out at Starbucks near Victoria by 8am. I had a cappucino and then decided to run through hyde park while Jim was at the gym. At by 10.30 we were back home, where he surprised me with a carrot cake (YUM!!) and presents. That was really sweet. We went to a great lunch in the Knightsbridge Capital then had drinks at the Savoy before we went to see Porgy & Bess (which i used to perform with my Jazz band back in AIS!). So all in all it was a great day.
On a mental level, as I tend to do with every birthday, I started to think - what have I accomplished in the past year? Was my 21st year of living a successful one on any or all levels?? I ask myself these questions every year to keep myself in check so that one day, when I'm grey and old, I can proudly say I lived life to the fullest, and enjoyed my youth more than most would expect.
To answer these questions I thought - I've done so much, been to so many places, performed good at school, got myself a good job lined up for when i graduate, maintained a relatively healthy relationship with my family, my partner, and with my friends.
Perfection, however, is a notion for the naive.
Where did I falter?
Then it started coming back to me. My moments of infidelity. My spiritual randomness and lack of commitment. My growing resentment towards my sister. My fear and concern for my younger brother. And even my lack of assertiveness where I should be firm and unequivocal.
What I realized was that I could trace all my faults to one major weakness - My tendency to put myself in everybody else's shoes but my own. Why is it so easy for me to feel other people concerns and joys, but so very hard for me to live inside my own person? The result of this trait is that I almost always prioritize other people's needs over mine, partly because I feel like my needs are not entirely relevant, and even more so because I am able to adapt to other people's personalities and avoid hassle and conflict. Therefore when I sat there that day in September and told my sister that I was gay and I wouldn't want it any other way, I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Not because i'm ashamed of being a homosexual, but because i let down someone even though i thought I couldn't care less.
I used to think this wasn't a down-side at all. I considered myself blessed in being so sensitive to those around me and unfocused on my own assertiveness. I guess it became clear how dangerous this was when I found myself in a relationship and had to start saying "NO" to people that I truly liked when it came to sex, drugs, etc.
In any case. I still see this as the most important area of improvement.
I am not sure how to exercise it though.
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