Still frames

If I could freeze time, I’d probably freeze it at 5.25 pm CET last night. The sky lit up into an almost crimson red as the sun set behind the Musée D’Orsay. The air was perfectly still, the weather was docile. I sat alone on a stone bench wrapped in my black trench coat on the right bank of the Seine watching as the city’s lights began to overtake the sun’s rays. The track lighting at the top of the Tour Eiffel started beaming across the city, like a lighthouse guiding lost, sea-faring souls back to the joys of this world. Back to the beauty of what it is to be human.


If I could freeze time, I’d probably freeze it when I was finally alone with you, at 3.25 am CET last Saturday. I’d freeze it just as your hands engulfed the sides of my face and you leaned in to kiss me. I’d freeze it just as the feeling of euphoria travelled through my spine and as my arms wrapped themselves around your waist.

If I could freeze time, I’d freeze it at my high school graduation. The sense of extra-ordinary achievement, of knowing no limits to the life ahead, of being surrounded by all those I love and all those I’d spent my formative years seeing, squabbling and laughing with all the same, day in and day out. I’d freeze it just as I released my cap into the air of the giant auditorium in front of a thousand gleaming faces, my hand outstretched in mid-air and body lifted off the ground.

Or maybe, if I could freeze time, I’d freeze to before I first felt real pain. I’d freeze it to when I was foetal in my mother’s womb. Silent, unaware, warm, without flaw.

But I cannot freeze time, try as I might to hold on to fleeting moments or protect myself from heartache and tragedy. Still frames are perfect, but they are also dead. Death is a part of life and it will come in time. Until then, the best I can do in this life is to accumulate these glimpses of joy such that one day, near the very end, I can take comfort in the still frames and celebrate a life well lived, a life well conquered.

On love, actually

Intimate relationships are a cornerstone of modern civilisation. You are expected to engage in them to procreate, to create a nuclear building block to society, and to stimulate an economy. On a very fundamental level it is about the survival of our species. Socially, it’s about finding acceptance and harmony in world where couples are the norm and where we each find the need for a personal life-long support structure. Cynically, it’s about pumping money into weddings, anniversaries, children and the constant stream of tax income that will ensue from all the above.


But personally, most of us believe intimate relationships are about finding the right person to spend the rest (or a significant portion of the rest) of our lives with.

Herein lies the problem. In the terms described above, the intimate relationships of gay men and women around the world are hardly more beneficial to society, the economy or the survival of the human species than any good friendship. Adoption is still rare, and social acceptance and harmony for gay couples has almost always been an uphill climb. Childless and without the usual dependency in male/female relationships, we spend just as much money single as we do in pairs.

Still, we crave the life-long support structure, and our presence in a generally heterosexual society means that we are constantly bombarded subtly and overtly with the culture of marriage. You cannot buy a mop or a chocolate bar without images happy families, loving partners or (for the less subtle of brands) pure lust. Naturally, with time, we begin to believe we are entitled to this lifestyle that everyone else around us seems to enjoy. We start wanting to be no different than them.

Do not misunderstand. I do not believe we are defined by our sexuality. There is an infinitely wide range of aspirations for each human being and it would be ridiculous if we allowed the gender of our ideal partner to overshadow the remaining kaleidoscope of features of a man or a woman. That said, working on knowing who we are as homosexuals means that we can target exactly what it is we want out of a relationship and love without the added baggage we inherit from the world around us.

I had my heart crushed recently. After a whirlwind romance with someone my heart led me to believe I can love very quickly and cherish for years to come, I discover any hope of a relationship is doomed by the fact that he lives 3000 miles away and that he has a boyfriend waiting for him. Experiencing that kind of intense pleasure, where your chest can only do so much to contain your soul from exploding through it with joy, only to be confronted with necessary retreat and surrender, puts love and relationships in a perspective so harsh it compels you to question why you even invested so much so quickly for so little. After all, this love story is hardly anything but a cliché these days. But you are told to “put yourself out there” and believe that it’s “better to have loved and lost then never loved at all” – and to what result?

No, I am not so sure I want to readily accept what this world has presented as the ideal for happiness and fulfilling life going forward when the reality falls so far short of that ideal. There are no happily-ever-afters or monogamous, pure relationships, despite how many Disney or Hollywood movies try to convince you otherwise. In relationships there is only emotional strife, interrupted occasionally with fleeting moments of serenity. The more you manage your expectations and satisfy yourself with the possibility that you may not find a life-long partner, the more you will focus on the more important things life: to have fun when you can, and to build strong friendships and fulfilling life in every other way possible. That is the only true life-long support structure any of us can hope to have.

To Hell and Back

Dear Imaginary Reader, dear Moses of 20 years ahead


If you were to glance through the last few posts you may notice the several-month-wide gap between the last post in 2010 and the first in 2011. Forgive me for skipping the record for so long, and resuming only with my first frivolous exaltations in March and boy-crush in May. It was not the best of times.

My journey began towards the end of October, when my father’s ill health meant that he had to be transferred here to London for treatment. The poor soul was in such bad shape that he needed 24 hour attention, and I eventually had to move into his hospital room, leaving behind my job and life. Mind you the decision to move both him and me full time into the hospital came after weeks of blood spattering disease and escalation of an already horrible metastasis. I became hardened like a boulder in the face of crippling gale force winds, but even the mightiest of rocks erodes in the face of nature. I began to exhibit the first signs of trouble.

In early November, I had my first anxiety attack. It was a horrible experience, matched only by the horror of not understanding what was happening to me; why I could not breathe and why my body was going into convulsions. I was prescribed some mild beta blockers and hope that it was a freak occurrence that was probably due to stress.

By the end of November the doctors were doing all they could to put my father back on a plane to Cairo so that he could die peacefully with his family. My family were incapable of visiting London as my sister’s ex-husband had filed a abduction case in London and Paris claiming she took the child to Cairo against his will. Her visit would have meant police, court and further delays.

And so one day towards the beginning of December my father and I concealed his battered body in his now baggy clothes and I pushed his wheelchair as nonchalantly as I could across Heathrow to the door of the airplane bound for Cairo. We hoped nobody would realise how ill he was, as in such cases the airline traditionally recoils at undue responsibility forbids you to board. The charade was no easy task. There were bags of blood and urine strapped to his leg that needed to be emptied on an hourly basis. There were chills and sweats that hit him regularly as he lay prostrate throughout the five-hour flight. Somehow, we landed in Cairo without event and we delivered him to his new hospital room. I was spent. I returned to London two days later, assuming that the alleviation of responsibility would give me some peace.

It didn’t. Whilst before I had a 24-hour endeavour, a project, to keep my mind off of how I was really feeling, now I had to go back to my normal life and I found it impossible. My health deteriorated. I was not able to get out of bed for days. I needed powerful medication to sleep. Worst of all, I was beginning to have dreams and day-dreams about blood, about my blood, about razor blades and wrists. One weekend, my psychiatrist and psychologist tried intervene and send a team to my apartment to get me to move into a retreat.

By now it was the end of January, and just as I was considering the offer to go into full-time treatment the revolution began in Cairo. My father had so far survived in Cairo, but public services, even the airport at times, were suspended for at least a week. It was becoming increasingly impossible to keep him in care there, and my sister risked everything and boarded a plane with him back to London. She was arrested at the airport and her passport confiscated. I moved him into the intensive care unit at the London Clinic, the doctors there were sure he would not survive more than a couple of days. He slipped in and out of consciousness only enough to glance at us through his tired, filmy and deteriorated eyes.

I forgot about my treatment and went back into autopilot. I watched as my country descended into chaos and bravery, uncertainty and faith. I wanted every part of it, and yet all I could do was sit beside this hospital bed and stare blankly into the images of Tahrir Square on the television screen, my finger resting nervously on the court documents from my sister’s case, which was to be heard only in a few days.

In vague parallel to the revolution, we lost the first case in court, but won the appeal. It was added pressure at a harrowing time. When my father became slightly more aware of his surroundings, my sister had been exonerated, Mubarak had stepped down and the country was in a state of shock and celebration. I often wondered how he felt about that, if it mattered to his feeble mind at the time.

As ever he survived the episode in London, and we arranged the documents for an air ambulance to escort him to Cairo. My sister, now free of her chains, sat with him on the plane while I stayed behind in London. He lasted until the 3rd of May. My illness, though not entirely gone, lasted will into mid-July.

Mother Teresa once said that she knew God would never put her through something her soul could not bear, but that she also wished He didn’t trust her so much. I have never understood that thought more than I do today. But I made it through, so much is an affirmation. I experienced hell in the true sense of the word as God intended, not some fiery inferno the simpletons will have you believe but a true darkness of the mind and soul. And I climbed out of it.

It has taken a long time for me to be able to share this, but I believe this is necessary for me to move on. I believe I have seen the worst of times and I have been assured of my power to outlive. I may have lost the two anchors of my life, my parents, but if anything the events of these past 13 months have taught me is that we all need to build more anchors, surround ourselves by unconditional love and invest in those around us equally.

We have nothing if we do not have each other.

The Circus

Following on from my last post – I finally figured out how to "get a grip" and take the pressure (and the expectations) off the unassuming 23 year old charmer: date another guy at the same time. Although 'juggling' sounds somewhat unseemly, the more I delved into both relationships simultaneously the more I was amazed at how much sense it made.

Let me rewind briefly. Only hours before the date I had with Assad, I had met at a friend's BBQ a Russian guy, George. George had playfully asked when we'd go on our first date and, having felt a slight attraction to him ab initio we exchanged numbers and set the date for Friday. It was only then that I hurried into a cab back home to start preparing dinner for Assad.

After swooning for 5 days over Assad, I eventually mustered the will to go out with George, not expecting at all to end up having any fun. In truth, we had a fantastically entertaining evening at my favourite brasserie and took a walk to wild jazz club tucked away in Belgravia to finish it off. I was still all over Assad, but George's company and energy was unmistakably positive. After saying good night, we arranged a date for mimosas at my place the next morning which he attended punctually.

Over the next few days I came to realise that I was incredibly comfortable with George. Although I find Assad probably more along the lines of what I tend to be interested in physically, George seems both interesting and interested. And just as balance of power between those two started to shift towards George, Assad jumped back into the picture with a vengeance. We spent another couple of days together and, though we had an excellent time and I enjoyed his company very thoroughly, I was much more relaxed and in perspective when I dropped him off at the station.

Tango for three may not be the easiest logistically, but you certainly get the best practice and the most flavour. Now I have two pretty amazing people in my life that I'm not hurling concern, doubt or teenage infatuation towards just because they balance each other off pretty well. Of course, at some point I may have to make a choice. But by then, I will have settled into a comfortable spot with whomever it turns out to be and it won't matter.

Peace

Under the Mauve Fantastic

When I ran into Assad at around 2 a.m. at London's new 'it' club last Thursday, a quarter of a bottle of Belvedere + four Champagne glasses into the evening and in line for a bathroom stall, I couldn't help but think out loud – why haven't we gotten to know each other more? I've seen him a handful of times over the past couple of years, most recently at my last birthday party, but for one reason or another (and as is the case when you're surrounded by too many people) I had simply overlooked him.

It certainly wasn't due to lack of appeal. He has a distinct attractiveness to him – pale blue eyes, large golden hair that he styles back like a lion's mane, a reserved demeanour and, of course, that characteristic nose that you either love or hate. Still it took the dressing-room type light bulbs in that bathroom in Room Service for his features to glow. I asked him for his number and he was kind to provide it.

Our date was Sunday night. I'd originally suggested a neutral 'coffee' somewhere around 'town' but he responded with a very specific request for me to cook on Sunday evening. Delighted to have finally come across someone with a solid pair, I happily obliged, but as we sat outside on my terrace having our first real conversation and as the sky dimmed and the candlelight shown brighter and brighter, I realised I felt something that I hadn't felt on a date in a long time – nervous!

He was well spoken, eloquent, very well mannered and gentle. He laughed effortlessly and his features were accentuated by the evening glow. I realise now that was when I'd fallen for him. So complete and utter was my infatuation that when he suggested we go upstairs and watch a movie in bed I didn't even attempt to try and slow things down, and when he said he was 23 years old I didn't shudder or freak out.

Tending to my usual neuroses, I cleaned up downstairs while he jumped into bed with the wine bottle and two glasses. We watched, played, and watched. He fell asleep and I struggled to do the same with my heart beating out of control. In the morning, I left him half asleep in bed and went to work, all the time taking full satisfaction in knowing he is still in my space, in my bed.

Experience has taught me that this kind of infatuation rarely ends well. Communication throughout the week has been patchy, and some time on Wednesday I realised to my horror that I may have met my match when it comes to the overplayed charm and getting what I want only to discard it later. I may only be 2 years older than he is, but I see a lot of myself in him, and that scares me, because I was a good player for a while.

 That said, my spirituality edges me on and asks me to release the negativity and anxiety and enjoy the moment so that it may last forever. Making these value judgments and having these fears after one date is not only premature, its destructive. I may end up ruining what would have otherwise been something very positive and much needed given my recent bereavement.

Belle de (tous les) Jour (Qindblogazine.com)

Svetlana moves through a room with grace and almost shy charisma worthy of a young princess. Her features are chiselled and developed; she is a strong woman, but a smile broadens her face with a delicate softness that washes away any hint of menace.

You won’t be fooled, however, when you stand for a minute and look into her eyes. It’s those piercing orbs, which light up with menacing excitement against the lasers beaming through a club at 4am, that arouse the indecent tendencies within you.

Svetlana has been described as “the Queen”, but no word can really encapsulate who she is and what she does. The former remains a mystery to most, the latter an obsession. Her true passion and friends, gay men in Europe and around the world, gained her her notoriety from Barcelona to Mykonos, London to Milan. She is the 5am shepherd, the queen of high(er) brow sex parties and London’s intrepid party scene.

Social stigma seems often to be a foreign concept to Svetlana. Beyond the reasonableness of self-preservation, she wastes no time with stigma or with those who espouse it. Watching her operate, limitless and always with the excitement of a teenage girl, is liberating.

My first encounter with Svetlana was at a mansion in central London that she had rented out one evening to host a private party for a select number of gay men. The space was sprawling, the champagne flowing, and with 40+ men anxious for the grand 2am finale (that is, when our hostess kindly instructs us to remove our clothing and join her in the lower den of iniquity) it was electric. And when the hour of reckoning arrived, no build-up could have really done the climax any justice.

Skin on skin, limbs in every direction, intertwined, tanned, glistening against the soft lights and amidst the locked lips and moaning. Personalities, faces, names were not important. You delved into the web of torsos, cocks, and fingers and gorged so indiscriminately, it was truly sex for the sake of sex alone. In that I found immense pleasure, not because how many times I ejaculated or how many men I enjoyed, but because it was, for once, all about me. It was about what I wanted, with no compromises or awkward conversations. No commitment or pseudo infatuation. 

Perhaps the only thing more intriguing than the sexual activity in these parties is the voyeurism exhibited by the hostess. She thrives on watching masculinity rip itself apart, the shifts of power from top to bottom, master to slave, and man to boy. Perhaps the reason Svetlana reigns the gay underworld is because of the lack of inhibition it allows her, and the lack of judgment in the eyes of these men (both for each other and for her). Perhaps it’s the thrill of anticipation, as often times a gentlemen steps out of the tangled mass of flesh and decides to penetrate her body instead.

Svetlana was married once upon a time, and lived in many capitals around the world. She’s generous, funny and outgoing. It’s easy for the prudish around us to judge her life and choices – she leaves a trail of lustful, spent and intoxicated men in her absence – but before the monotheisms of the world instilled their values into our cultures, in the times of Rome and Babylon, she would have not been anything out of the ordinary.

Scorpio 1–Back to the basics

It was a beautifully warm and sunny Sunday morning when my sister called to tell me that my father’s health was deteriorating fast and that it was time for me to come home to Cairo and spend some time with him. The seriousness of her tone and the alarm in her words carved a hole through my insides.



I was in bed, with the glare of the sun bleaching my sheets, burning at my face and neck. Wrapped around my torso was Thor, a charming and attractive Norwegian who was in town for the weekend from Oslo. He sensed the weirdness in my voice and sat up somewhat intently. When I was done with my phone call, I sat quietly for a moment before trying to explain. It was an odd situation, trying to spell out a sore emotional spot to someone I’d just met. On a strange level, I was grateful he was there. I needed someone to listen, even if to the few chopped sentences I put together, and I needed a warm body close to mine, even if his interest in me was not very developed in nature.



The next 48 hours were a mad rush to find a spot on an airplane, to retrieve my passport from the Italian embassy that has been holding it hostage, and to get paperwork and work done to allow me a few days of personal time. Eventually, I touched down in Cairo and made it home to evaluate the circumstances for myself.



It’s difficult, seeing someone who has always been so active and full of energy bed-ridden and gasping for air. Though incredibly weak, his situation was more stable than I imagined, and that brought some relief.



The strangeness of being in Cairo on an unannounced, unplanned and family-focused visit resulted in some incredible sensations. For one reason or another, I felt like I was back in my mid teens- an innocent, awkward kid in high school hiding out at his parent’s place. The bed I slept in every night is the same bed I had slept in so long ago, and each night as my head hit the soft pillow my mind would race with memories of childhood dreams. Like every teenager I dreamt and fantasized so often, and they were always dreams of a life I was so anxious to start. A life where I would feel accepted and special; where I would fall in love with a handsome, caring man; where I would achieve the pinnacle of my profession; and where I would leave the confines of this oppressive city and be unashamedly me. I would lie there for hours, staring into the dark ceiling, my very core inspired by the freedom, the love that I knew I would have one day very soon…very soon.



I cannot help thinking that I’ve lost touch with that 15 year old boy. Yes, perhaps he was naïve at times, but his values were simple, his dreams clear and attainable. Never in a million years would I have thought that the true challenge facing me now nearly ten years later is the lack of understanding of what it is that I want. Was I always complex in my needs or have I been confused by my new surroundings? I’m not sure it matters. The truth is life has given me several chances to settle down with someone and be happy, but my indecision and pettiness often got the better of me. My ever-rising standards with my every dwindling tolerance. Where does that leave me?



Thor keeps crossing my mind. We’d only spent 3 nights together, but he already made quite an impression. “Perhaps the brevity of his visit had something to do with the intensity of what we shared,” I say to myself, but just as I try and rationalize and demystify that beautiful weekend I wonder to myself – would 15 year old Moses destroy the chance of a meaningful relationship because he was doubtful if the amazing feelings he had for this person were real? Would the fact that this man lives in Oslo have mattered? I don’t think so. He would have laughed at the idea of feelings being fabricated because of a flight schedule or at the 1.5 hour plane ride between London and Oslo as a serious impediment.



This is what I need to do to every negative or doubtful thought- instill the hopeful, dreamy child within. Back to the basics, people. Back to the basics.

Scorpio–Prelude

“I hope you are all ready,” he looked into his copy of the Zohar before looking back up again at the curious faces, his grin even wider. “Expect it all this month; turbulence, emotional turbulence of to shake the very ground your feet stand on; internal conflict that will tear your insides apart and bring to the surfaced a raw, exposed you, ready to begin anew and rise from the ashes of Scorpio.

“For in this month you will become one of two things: this very phoenix that rises from the ashes and soars into the sky, a glorious powerful being to behold, or a scorpion- laden with poison, treading the endless desert that is your emotional abyss.”

At the time I did not pay much attention beyond what would have been reasonably polite in the circumstances. I was used to grand declarations being made during Shabbat. Drama was part of the show, and only naturally so: the centre catered to wealthy divorcées and flamboyant gay men, with the odd Jew thrown in for good measure.

But it only took a few hours for Marcus’ words to cast their spell.