Intimate relationships are a cornerstone of modern civilisation. You are expected to engage in them to procreate, to create a nuclear building block to society, and to stimulate an economy. On a very fundamental level it is about the survival of our species. Socially, it’s about finding acceptance and harmony in world where couples are the norm and where we each find the need for a personal life-long support structure. Cynically, it’s about pumping money into weddings, anniversaries, children and the constant stream of tax income that will ensue from all the above.
But personally, most of us believe intimate relationships are about finding the right person to spend the rest (or a significant portion of the rest) of our lives with.
Herein lies the problem. In the terms described above, the intimate relationships of gay men and women around the world are hardly more beneficial to society, the economy or the survival of the human species than any good friendship. Adoption is still rare, and social acceptance and harmony for gay couples has almost always been an uphill climb. Childless and without the usual dependency in male/female relationships, we spend just as much money single as we do in pairs.
Still, we crave the life-long support structure, and our presence in a generally heterosexual society means that we are constantly bombarded subtly and overtly with the culture of marriage. You cannot buy a mop or a chocolate bar without images happy families, loving partners or (for the less subtle of brands) pure lust. Naturally, with time, we begin to believe we are entitled to this lifestyle that everyone else around us seems to enjoy. We start wanting to be no different than them.
Do not misunderstand. I do not believe we are defined by our sexuality. There is an infinitely wide range of aspirations for each human being and it would be ridiculous if we allowed the gender of our ideal partner to overshadow the remaining kaleidoscope of features of a man or a woman. That said, working on knowing who we are as homosexuals means that we can target exactly what it is we want out of a relationship and love without the added baggage we inherit from the world around us.
I had my heart crushed recently. After a whirlwind romance with someone my heart led me to believe I can love very quickly and cherish for years to come, I discover any hope of a relationship is doomed by the fact that he lives 3000 miles away and that he has a boyfriend waiting for him. Experiencing that kind of intense pleasure, where your chest can only do so much to contain your soul from exploding through it with joy, only to be confronted with necessary retreat and surrender, puts love and relationships in a perspective so harsh it compels you to question why you even invested so much so quickly for so little. After all, this love story is hardly anything but a cliché these days. But you are told to “put yourself out there” and believe that it’s “better to have loved and lost then never loved at all” – and to what result?
No, I am not so sure I want to readily accept what this world has presented as the ideal for happiness and fulfilling life going forward when the reality falls so far short of that ideal. There are no happily-ever-afters or monogamous, pure relationships, despite how many Disney or Hollywood movies try to convince you otherwise. In relationships there is only emotional strife, interrupted occasionally with fleeting moments of serenity. The more you manage your expectations and satisfy yourself with the possibility that you may not find a life-long partner, the more you will focus on the more important things life: to have fun when you can, and to build strong friendships and fulfilling life in every other way possible. That is the only true life-long support structure any of us can hope to have.
But personally, most of us believe intimate relationships are about finding the right person to spend the rest (or a significant portion of the rest) of our lives with.
Herein lies the problem. In the terms described above, the intimate relationships of gay men and women around the world are hardly more beneficial to society, the economy or the survival of the human species than any good friendship. Adoption is still rare, and social acceptance and harmony for gay couples has almost always been an uphill climb. Childless and without the usual dependency in male/female relationships, we spend just as much money single as we do in pairs.
Still, we crave the life-long support structure, and our presence in a generally heterosexual society means that we are constantly bombarded subtly and overtly with the culture of marriage. You cannot buy a mop or a chocolate bar without images happy families, loving partners or (for the less subtle of brands) pure lust. Naturally, with time, we begin to believe we are entitled to this lifestyle that everyone else around us seems to enjoy. We start wanting to be no different than them.
Do not misunderstand. I do not believe we are defined by our sexuality. There is an infinitely wide range of aspirations for each human being and it would be ridiculous if we allowed the gender of our ideal partner to overshadow the remaining kaleidoscope of features of a man or a woman. That said, working on knowing who we are as homosexuals means that we can target exactly what it is we want out of a relationship and love without the added baggage we inherit from the world around us.
I had my heart crushed recently. After a whirlwind romance with someone my heart led me to believe I can love very quickly and cherish for years to come, I discover any hope of a relationship is doomed by the fact that he lives 3000 miles away and that he has a boyfriend waiting for him. Experiencing that kind of intense pleasure, where your chest can only do so much to contain your soul from exploding through it with joy, only to be confronted with necessary retreat and surrender, puts love and relationships in a perspective so harsh it compels you to question why you even invested so much so quickly for so little. After all, this love story is hardly anything but a cliché these days. But you are told to “put yourself out there” and believe that it’s “better to have loved and lost then never loved at all” – and to what result?
No, I am not so sure I want to readily accept what this world has presented as the ideal for happiness and fulfilling life going forward when the reality falls so far short of that ideal. There are no happily-ever-afters or monogamous, pure relationships, despite how many Disney or Hollywood movies try to convince you otherwise. In relationships there is only emotional strife, interrupted occasionally with fleeting moments of serenity. The more you manage your expectations and satisfy yourself with the possibility that you may not find a life-long partner, the more you will focus on the more important things life: to have fun when you can, and to build strong friendships and fulfilling life in every other way possible. That is the only true life-long support structure any of us can hope to have.
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