Pride and Prejudice

"I miss you..."

There it was, 4 months after I threw him out of my life in a nasty and scurilous text message, the validation I so secretly desired. It came in the middle of the night, of my slumber. It took my eyes several moments to focus on the screen of my phone. When I finally processed the 301 US area code, I felt a horrible mixture of guilt, triumph, and yearning.

I'd been thinking of him the past few days. It was, as I remembered well, his birthday on Thursday.

But in the morning as I bit into my apple, I realised that the ball was where I always hated it to be in relationships - my court.

My pride spoke first. That message is too little, too late. Even if it was true, that's a can of worms I need to stay away from. The exorcism of JD from both my mind and heart has been a long and bumpy road. Was I to make a U-turn after so much progress?

My yearning spoke next. The truth is, I miss him too. Isn't the truth supposed to 'set you free'? Isn't pride something you set aside when one dwells in matters of the heart?

But when you come right down to it, he sent 3 words. One of my recurring frustrations with him has always been his inability to match my expression. In the world of verbal and written communications, he was a frumpy jersey from Lillywhites and I was a fitted Romeo Gigli. So where is the moral dilemma? How/if to respond?

I picked up my phone and sent: "Me too."

Just because I will never put myself back into that relationship doesn't mean I can't be honest with myself and him. Just because things went belly-up doesn't mean we can't be grown-ups and move past this healthily. I made sure I finally restored the balance of expression, I childishly sent two words to trump his three. Maybe one day, if he's willing to talk, I'll admit that the failure of this relationship was partly my fault. I was the one with the 'experience', he had only spent time with one other guy before me, and it wasn't a relationship. I was the wise sage who always preached against long-distance relationships and their hazards, yet I raced into this one without thinking twice.