Update

So, I've been away. For a while. But I have had a few excuses, summaries in the latest email to JS below:

"I feel crushed, but I guess this had to happen at some point. Though I always knew you were gallivanting, I never had a problem with it so long as it was out of my sight. But not only did you push your desperate predatory behaviour in my face by pursuing PAE, one of my best friends, you didn't even respect my feelings enough to ask me whether it was ok, or at the very least warn me. I feel like I was owed at least that much. My gut sank so far that day on nye when you two were outside my flat to pick me up. I chose to ignore the signs and give you the benefit of the doubt. I thought, he would never do this to me, not now, not when I'm preoccupied with the knowledge of my father's terminal illness. I was so wrong.

But then again, I was wrong about a lot of things. Most unfortunately, I was wrong in thinking that you were different, that you weren't like every other gay man in this city. I believed that you probably wouldn't have anonymous sex off gaydar, or ever rub my face in your exploits. It really is like I don't even know who you are. Where was this latent persona? Listening to you talk at the dinner table on new-years-day about your man-whore days, I should have guessed, though at 50 you'd think things would be different. Why did I always think that I was the one that fell short of your expectations? You have always had such strong convictions, and I relentlessly judged myself against them. I was such a fool.

But your moral failure and my resulting pain is not the entire reason why I am crushed. I am crushed because the odd truth is, you're as good as it gets out there in this world. If this is who and how you are, what chance in hell do I have to meet someone worthy of my time? Why do we keep living knowing that fundamental failure is inevitable? Why am I writing this email to you, when I know beyond reasonable doubt you will never apologise or try and make it up to me? My hopeless optimism is only pitiful. You have proved my so far infallible theory – that getting too close to anyone invariably means immeasurable pain.


Good luck with your life."