Seasonal Anxieties

I woke up rattled the other day. I was positive (certain even!) that I was late for an exam and had not prepared for it. In this intermediary dream phase I looked at my phone. Slowly, as the image of my calendar made its way through my optical nerve, I regained memory of my life now. A certain joy crept in…I work now, I never have to take an academic exam again!

Still, the bizarre experience got me thinking - true, this was the first May that has come along for me since my toddler years when I haven't had to revise for some mammoth debacle of a proefung - but is my brain on some sort of clock I am not aware of?

Yup, definitely. This morning I woke up laughing at how everyone fucked up our graduation song (from high school!). Though it was a much more entertaining dream, it confirmed that I'd somehow been programmed. I think my brain is expecting certain anxieties and manifesting these expectations in dreams. There's only one more seasonal anxiety I can think of: if I have a nightmare about not fitting into the blue speedo I bought on Ipanema beach in Rio last summer, I swea ta gawd I'm going to sprinkle xanax in a bottle of Pinot Grigio and do it Marilyn Monroe style.

The good news is, however, that you also get your positive seasonal associations this time of year. It is after all, summertime! Good food, good sex, a permanent tan and lazy afternoons. There's a certain liberty in the smell of summer, the feeling that anything is possible. Every real relationship I have had has begun in August. And though I don’t think that's exactly what I'd like to be in store for me this August, I'm hoping I can redirect that good energy to other things I need more right now. I know I'm 24 days early but HAPPY SUMMER EVERYONE.

xoxo

M