Reader Beware

Reader Beware - I'm high.

It's been a long night, from bar to club to bar to club. I'm exhausted, but as soon as I walk into the flat I feel like the silence deafens me to the point where I can't sleep.

People have experimented with writing on drugs before - I'm sure I'm no pioneer. I guess the reason I started typing was to spill out my brain, thats probably the reason why I'm up even though its now quiet and dark, peaceful, but there lies something making me anxious, or nevous.

Disgust is one of the feelings going through me now. You don't really think when you're high, you think and feel. There's no separation between what you're mind spews and what your heart receives. Thats probably why, as soon as I lose my mdma or e high, I feel extremely hollow- because my mind is thinking: what sort of rat-ass, depressing, dirty place is this? With a million ugly men dancing in hot sweaty club? They may have perfect bodies but I don't know - after James I don't think I can respect anyone who's over 30 and remains hooked by the balls into this 'gay scene'. It's all too wrong.

Should I be getting tired of this so quickly? Shouldn't I go through some sort of maturation before I decide to leave this night scene? Shouldn't I milk it for all its worth - sex, attention, what have you?

I found out that Jalaludin Al-Rumi was gay today, after reading one of the posts on Mithly.com. That makes me feel so good. No matter how good you feel about yourself and about your connection with God, its always good to have a role model- in this case a Sufi poet who taught my mind everything about gnosis. Gnosis. Just as I think that, my heart yearns for it. I know I'm too weak, not formidable in my convictions, to properly seek it. I'm not sure its one of those things where only trying counts either.

What to do what to do.

Stop swallowing pills thats what.

But then I like that feeling. That feeling when the butteflies surface, when you feel like your core is only being held down by a body, and that in return your body becomes lighter. That feeling I get when a good minimal track is thrown on, or when I hear a church choir. Euphoria - love - yearning. Followed by a come down that brings your thoughts into dusty, dusty corners of your mind. I promise this is it for a while, and then a while passes, and I feel like it again.

I'm sorry I just can't get over how rediculous this scene is. I mean London is particularly bad - I remember neither Madrid, Frankfurt, New York, or any of those clubbing hot spots have this feel of absolute decadence with no purity, nothing to hold on to when you're coming down. In Madrid it was the Sun and the Fantastic People. In Frankfurt it was the sheer elegance of Cocoon. I can just go on but you should know what I mean...


I warned you.