How frodo baggins got his groove back (and started to free associate)

The weekend started in a weird way.
Jim and I had decided that it was finally time that we suspend our relationship. I'd decided that a while back but he was finally convinced when he found out I had been to a Christmas party hosted by Freddy, the 'devil' as he would call him. Point being, by crook more than hook I managed to get what I think I wanted which was a separation. It hasn't sunk in, I don't know if its a delayed reaction or maybe, just maybe, I'll distract myself to the point where I just look at it as a pleasant thing of the past, without the emotional mourning.

I've been very good at distracting myself so far.

Friday night I come home from university and I realize i have no plans. I didn't feel like going to Shabbat and i knew it would be quite empty as most people are still on holiday. I decided it was (finally) time to return to the gym. I also decided that it would be just a treadmill day, as i had had too much food in California over the christmas break.

I put on my hollister gym pants and polo shirt, packed a bag with deodorant, gel and what have you, and walked to Virgin Active Chelsea, which is only about a 5 minutes away. I made a beeline for the treadmill, and despite hoping I'd last for an hour, i only made it to 45 minutes and felt really tired.

I don't like that slight dizziness i get after i walk off a treadmill. I walked rather slowly to the mens locker room, which was attached to this fully equipped spa. Ah what a great idea - i took off all my clothes, took a shower, and wrapped myself in a towel for the steam room. Now this isn't one of those sleazy London 'gay gyms' that I've grown to hate. It's actually respectable and frequented by straight men (as much as it likely that gyms are frequented by straight men in London anyway). The spa was nonetheless a little sexually charged. I'd catch someone looking at me as I took a shower. The dark steam room was eerily quiet. The jacuzzi (which is the best I've seen!) was far too comfortable. None of the facilities were mixed so no trunks or towels were necessary at any point, and many made use of this freedom.

At some point i saw this guy, a stocky, blond, boyish good looking guy, probably mid twenties. He seemed as straight as they come. Just my type. You could probably guess what ended up happening. It was strange though because he never made it clear that he was in any way interested. It was only when i went back to the locker to get dressed and saw that his locker was across from mine did I start a conversation about, something stupid, being back from the holidays. His face lit up and he started talking back enthusiastically. Wayne, he said his name was, from South Africa. I gave him plenty of opportunity to make beeline for the exit but he was attached like a little puppy. I asked if he was doing anything and suggested this bar that was not too far from the gym. "I'd have to go home to change first" i said. I can't be caught in Kosmopol in sports gear. He said sure I'll come along and wait.

When he said wait, i assumed wait in the living room while i got dressed. He was a little bit more forward than that, and followed me to my room. as i took off my gym pants and put on some jeans, his hand tapped my thigh. I moved in a little closer and we made out for a while before i pushed him into bed. It was good vanilla fun, definitely needed it all. After we were finished he asked if i picked up guys from the gym every day. I honestly have never done so, and he seemed to have trouble believing that. We lay idle for a while before finally deciding to actually make it to Kosmopol. Once there we had fantastic cocktails. He looked at me and asked: "have you had sex with a Jew before?" I answered "Yes". A little disappointed, he extended his hand and said "Well you're definitely my first Arab". I hadn't known he was Jewish, but I thought that was kind of cute. He also made a point of the fact that he'd never actually dated guys. He was much more into women for relationships, men for the odd fling. Fair enough, at least I'm not going to have to deal with drama. Come to think of it, he was actually really aggressive in his manner of speech. Short man syndrome we used to call it.

We shared the sofa with two ladies, our conversation with them lasted for hours. My flatmate showed up, and as soon as he saw my new catch he looked at me and asked "who is this guy? samwise gamjee?" (you know, from lord of the rings?)I thought that was pretty funny, and commented that he was a really hot samwise gamjee. At the end of it he'd had too many drinks and was resting his head on my chest. I asked if he wanted to leave and he finally said yes. Somehow we made it back to my flat (he was really drunk). Before falling asleep instantly he looked at me and said, "you know, I hate people like you". He wrapped his arm and leg around me and fell asleep.

Killer

I'm really getting deeper and deeper into In Search of Sunrise 6 Ibiza - especially the last few tracks of disc 1

this is awesome

Malchut

So in the struggle for a little more perspective and perhaps a little less seriousness, I found myself somewhat coincidentally (although as I had come to learn, no such thing as coincidence really exists) with a yarmulke and a Jewish book of songs. The paradigm shift was necessary, and in reality my immersion into Kabbalah has been of significant educational and spiritual value.

Here it was finally, a non-elitist mystic tradition whose esoteric interpretations of holy scriptures was streamlined and attainable. Reality and every-day life seem to be the focus of all the classes, not axioms or metaphysical bubbles. That is not to say that the metaphysical aspects of this philosophy are undeveloped - the focus is all that is really different from any Muslim/Sufi/Christian tradition that I've experienced and studied. The idea is to fulfill one's life here on earth, full-stop.

Unlike Islam and Christianity (and perhaps even Judaism but I'm no authority on that yet) sin is an alien concept. Unlike Sufism, time is not devoted into sober/intoxicated gnosis, and into what sometimes felt like intellectual pomp (and an inevitable pity of the 'religious' masses).

The Zohar, the book interpreting the multi-layered codes that are verses of the Bible, provides more insight and fascinating interpretation than I can fill this page with, even after only two months of study. Instead I will give a brief snapshot of a lesson that illustrates the kind of things that are presented for me to analyze-

The title of this post is obviously a hint. The Tree of Life is a complicated concept, one that i haven't digested completely. The logical inconsistency of God (referred to as the Light) spending 6 days in creating the world is addressed here - Kabbalah takes us back to the Big Bang and states (now with scientific referencing!?) that the World exists in 10 dimensions. In the beginning, the Vessel that is our collective souls received Light in an uninterrupted infinity. The Vessel, receiving something which it has not earned, was unable to truly reflect this Light and appreciate it I suppose. When the Vessel (our collective souls into one) shattered (in Sufism, the day of primordial covenant alastu berabbikum - bala shahidna), a contraction in the universe took place and 6 of the 10 dimensions formed the Upper World of which the physical universe (Malchut, Kingdom) was begotten. A vacuum was created in the centre of an an infinite force of light (panentheism takes a literal meaning here), and within this vacuum the illusions of time, space, and motion existed. Malchut (in Quranic Arabic, the ملكوت) is the expression of Creation, of the world that surrounds us. It is 1% of our reality - the world of the 5 senses. It is the curtain that hides the Light.

In its practicality Kabbalah focuses its effort on removing every layer of cloth that shades our vessels from the Light, for that is the our vessels' only source of fulfillment. The paradox is that Light will only be received as you give it away or share it. Reactivity, blame, self-doubt, substance abuse, etc all remove perspective and keep you in the dark. Proactivity, identifying the opponents within you (again in Sufi terms the Soul and the Self), turning challenges into opportunities, etc. are all features of the Light and expressions thereof will in turn lead to happiness and fulfill the Vessel's primordial purpose - to earn the Light.

I guess in conclusion the most interesting aspect for me has been this 'illusion' of time, space, and motion. There is a general rejection of the concept of a future, particularly an unpredictable one (or a distant past for that matter). Each one of us possesses the ability to master the physical realm in almost godly ways. Since time, space, and motion are all illusions of the 5 senses, its your connection to the light and attitudes that you cultivate right here, right now that will determine your future without failure. "Miracles" are only more solid connections to the Light in the face of which physical limitations are inconsequential.

To demonstrate: When Pharoah and the Egyptian army were closing in on Moses and his army by the banks of the Red Sea, Moses cried out to God for salvation. God responded "Why are you calling out to me?"

In its commentary, the Zohar explains that there was no need for the Creator's help — because at that moment Moses revealed the 72 Names of God, and the collective consciousness of his people was elevated. But not a single molecule of water moved until the people had physically moved forward into the sea with unwavering certainty. Only when they were neck-deep in the waves — and still maintained complete certainty that the water would part — did the sea part to give them a passage to freedom.

Remember remember the 5th of Novemeber

There were people everywhere. People laughing; frivolty being passed around in the form of colourful outfits and glowing accessories.

A silhouette of trees lines the horizon as he stares out into an unusually warm November night. In the background he hears a track playing, slowing down, all instruments disappearing and a steady tap makes its away across the left then right channels repeatedly. The tap reminded him of the thick, misty, and uncannily beautiful forests in Braunfels.

The dark sky exploded into a hundred differnet colours. The thunder was more felt than heard.

In the park, the firworks lit the sky. At the end of what was a miserable week he was reminded that much greater things exist and matter. He stood and contemplated in awe the strength of the sound that shook his insides. His problems all shrank to inconsequential weight.

It was a good night. An we have a centuries-old evil plot to thank.

A Spiritual Rut

I use that word 'rut' knowing very well that it has two different meanings. A rut is primarily "A sunken track or groove made by the passage of vehicles". It could also be a "fixed, usually boring routine". If I were to consider the primary definition metaphorically, both definitions would undoubtedly express my point accurately - I am in a spiritual rut.

If you found my slightly clinical introduction off-putting then you perhaps are already beginning to grasp the issue. I've always been one to take pride in my spirituality, private pride, a pride that is not worn on one's sleeve (and to which this very sentence could propose a contradiction). In an earlier post I had taken the Latin meaning to the word "religion", i.e. "re-connection", to be most inspiring. That is what my "faith" is in - the ability to re-connect. I continue with my denotative obsession to highlight that if one is to "re-connect" to some Thing or some One, then most certainly an earlier connection had at some point been forged. This point, I believe, was when my soul was Created - the day God breathed his own being into me and into all of humanity so that we (the Si Morgh) become a reflection of Him (the Simorgh). Our ability to re-connect to God therefore is inherent to our being - "religion" cannot be learned.

Of course the modern connotations of the word "religion" refer really to "traditions": institutions and practices, orders, ecclesiastic systems, and other forms of social organization. Although fundamentally incorrect, this understanding is not to be discounted. Your inherent ability to reconnect to your Creator, throughout your upbringing (assuming that a particular tradition formed any part of that), has been expressed through these institutions and traditions. Therefore, one finds it most natural to reconnect to his or her Creator by methods learned in youth.

So, I heard myself say one day, which is it? Where should one’s focus be? On the holy books or the what lies between the their lines of wisdom? Emphasis must be put on the importance of “religion” in the face of "tradition". A tradition (christian, islamic, jewish, buddhist etc) must be used and considered only as a tool - your vehicle, your compass, your ISP even. If you concede to the fact that your religion is your tool, way or path then you will agree that it is improbable that only one tool or path exists – just like it is improbable that only one road leads to Rome. Therefore, other traditions that are equally valid undoubtedly exist. The knee-jerk reaction to that statement for me was- what about polytheists? Idol worshipers? If they are just as valid why is it that God has sent messengers to this Earth to preach of different traditions? Well, it would be immensely self-indulgent if I were to answer that on behalf of God- but my honest deduction is that such messengers were sent to teach us values and provide us with even more tools to reach the one Truth, God. I do not recall any prophet that has attacked another tradition and claimed superiority in his own teachings and ways.

When Prophet Mohamed sought to dissuade the "idol worshippers" by breaking their stone-carved gods his point was not to attack their traditions and values but rather (and admittedly my Sufi esotericism is in play here) to make the same point that I have earlier, in that tradition is a tool and not an end to be sought. The idols had become God to his fellow tribesmen and any attempt at spirituality had been set aside, the finite nature of the worshipped blocking spiritual creativity and going against human nature. The tribespeople brought only requests for worldly and material needs and lost the essence of their reconnection. In my interpretation of the Prophet's intentions, perhaps by destroying the idols he invited those around him to look deeper into the source of their traditions and values, not to attack them. Belonging to a tradition where objects are assigned holy status does not contradict a genuine attempt at reconnection so long as such objects are of symbollic importance and are consequently used as tools to inspire you. Christianity reveres crosses, Muslims circle what is otherwise a nondescript rock.

I’m not writing a thesis, I’m simply trying to set the scene within which my spiritual rut has developed. In reference to the definitions of “rut” I set out earlier – at this point in my life, after having matured considerably through embracing Sufism and therefore both my intellect and intuition, I very much feel like I am standing in the sunken tracks of my soul’s triumph, now somewhat lost and intangible. The zest has unfortunately waned, and though its convenient for me to blame life’s many distractions, the reality is that I’ve lost steam. I need a muse, or something to bring back inspiration. My praying has become less and less frequent. I attend mass and though I feel my soul healing as I sit and soak up the energy around me, I don’t stay long enough to re-enforce the connection between my soul and its Source.

At this point my theory is that if I branch out further beyond mosques and churches to experience how people of other traditions find true religion I may find what I’m looking for. Is that likely? Maybe. I certainly have the interest. My doubt is in whether I will keep momentum.

Perhaps my private life is a consideration. Perhaps I am in no spiritual rut at all- that my love for my partner has occupied me emotionally and brought about the reconnection in an altogether different manner.

I realize this might not make much sense. If I had an answer this would probably be much easier to express. See the tribesmen were lucky to have someone come and shatter their routine, force their minds to think and consult their hearts. Most of us are not quite so lucky.

Sunday - Nikonn

Oscar Wilde = The Picture of Dorian Gray

"People say sometimes that beauty is only superficial. That may be so, but at least it is not so superficial as thought is. To me, beauty is the wonder of wonders. It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible."

September 18, 2007

London 13deg Celsius

The walk from the Central Bank to Moorgate was usually short but on this chilly day it seemed longer and almost pointless. The sun was out, which was more than he could ask for, and it bleached the buildings with its waning might. Autumn.

He checked his phone. No messages. He turned it off, it was almost out of batteries anyway. At university he sat himself down at a computer. After checking most of his mail and network accounts he decided to get up and find another computer, maybe in quieter surroundings. Corporation tax, that's what he had to work on.

Skimming through seemingly countless pages at varying speed, his eyes would occasionally blur, his pen would stop tapping. His brain wasn't slowing down, it was speeding up. Images flashed. Composites, mosaics. Images that came in different colour masks. Taking a deep breath, things began to slow again and the words on the page came into focus.

He changed his computer another 3 times at least. The air conditioning was too strong by the 1st. The Internet too slow on the 3rd.

At some point he realized it was time for class. Company law. Perhaps too simple to attend but how else would he kill time on this endless day. At his desk he stared right through his tutor and classmates. Nobody noticed of course - it was not like him to wear any sort of emotion on his sleeve. But as the day progressed his eyes would blur more and more frequently. Under the stress his memory divulged things it had kept private for 6 years. Their rediscovery did not aid his demeanor.

Later in bed that night, he turned on his phone. No messages. In a way, he was sort of glad the pact of silence was still honored. He couldn't help but wonder if things would have been any better today if things were discussed more openly, if (heaven forbid) feelings were shared. No, he thought, I'd rather not.

As he set his phone next to him in the dark room the light from its screen shone on the ceiling. As it went dark, his eyes saw the images clearer than ever. Sitting at his bed that afternoon, checking email. The sound of irregular breathing the next room. The way the sun pierced the afternoon air and the window screen, making its way into a room full of sadness and the anticipation of death. Tears, recital of scriptures. Yellow, yellow skin. Breathing as if an invisible hand had a firm grasp on her heart, pulling it out of her chest with all its might. The door-bell ringing incessantly as the news spread. White, red, green, blue masks covered the images.

Then the next day. Two, maybe three ladies softly touching him, nudging him towards the closed door to go say his goodbyes. Tears welling up in his eyes he enters the cold, clean smelling room. The room was flooded. He felt the water seep into his shoes as he walked towards the smiling corpse. The tears blurred his eyes, so that as he kissed her forehead, all he could see was a jumbled array of colours and light.

His insides were raw, his whispering in her ear quiet.