On sex and fulfillment

In the few true relationships that I have had, with one exception, sex has posed in one way or another a problem. I guess the kind of person I'm interested in on an emotional level often times is very different from the kind of person i'm interested in bed. Or something. At least that's what I'm convincing myself for the time being. That sweet, decent, mature guys who aren't emotionally insecure are rarely good in bed.

But then again, what is good in bed? For some being had with each limb tied to a bedpost; for others a little vanilla? I think in the beginning I had a very rigid approach to what I wanted. Now with more experience I see that every person strikes a different chord and chemistry. I start to wonder if I have begun molding myself to match the guys I 'date' sometimes. No, I guess I don't. There's nothing wrong with responding to chemistry, but I certainly find room for self-expression.

After the collapse of my short but intense relationship with JD, and having not seen him for a month prior, my desire for physical intimacy was peaking. In almost no time I found myself on several dates a weekend, most of which have ended with sex. It wasn't just sex, it was good sex. My carnal pleasures were fully tended to for the first time for a long time and for a while, I was feeling the high.

Then last sunday night, I was getting ready for bed alone for the first time that weekend, and suddenly felt overwhelming pain. I missed JD. I missed that sex with him, though not the most varied or expressive sometimes, meant a lot more to both of us.

On Monday night my Friday night date called when I was at work, letting me know that he was at an office event near my place, and that he'd like to see me. This is CM, a sweet and genuine Canadian guy. Though I wasn't sure we were a physical match at first, he made up for that in bed impressively. I replied back asking him to wait for me while I wrapped things up at work and stopped by my Dad's (who is visiting London) to give him his birthday present.

He waited. I took him to my place, and as I was tired I jumped right into bed, not thinking twice that last thing I wanted tonight was sex. We slept next to each other, and it felt good. I have no intention of seeing him romantically, just not at all prepared for that right now, but it is amazing how special the moments are that you can share with complete strangers.